Adventures, Sarcasm, Dead Animals, and A Bunch of Fish: Our First Full Day In Alaska Was...

I will let you figure this out for yourself after this story. So we decide for our first full day, aside from getting a bunch of crap unpacked and doing some shopping, that we NEEDED to go fishing. We heard that the salmon were running in this place called Ship Creek (or River or whatever the hell the thing is). It comes through Anchorage from Cook Inlet making it tidal (where we fish). So we decided hey the whole gang will go and we will see how it is. Well we drive 15 minutes and there we are. We could see spent dead humpies floating in the water and strewn along the bank and there were tons of fishermen there. So we all put our waders on and headed down with Keta. Now this is the first problem. Dog loves water, dog hates leash. Conclusion- the dog was shreddin for the water. Now this wouldn’t be a problem if it wasn’t for the mud. We were there during low tide and hell the mud was frickin horrible. But we got down to the river and figured okay all is fine. Keta was hopping around scaring salmon upstream and just having a ball. But after a while we learned that ya know she probably isn’t going to be able to stay here (she also likes chasing lures- didn’t really want to pull a treble hook out of the dog’s face). So Scott headed off upstream with the dog and my dad and I headed downstream to where everyone was fishing (and catching fish too!). So we fished and fished and fished and fished and caught jack.shit. So being the nice girlfriend I am I thought hey Scott would probably be able to catch some fish because he is from Alaska so has a better chance so I set off upsteam to find him. Problem? Yes, of course. I decided that instead of walking up the river through all the people fishing, I would walk alone on the bank. So I go trucking off through the mud. It was horrible like my feet kept getting stuck so I just told myself just walk fast and you won’t get stuck and you can go uphill and get out of the shit and it will be fine. Well did that work out? Of course not. I got frickin so stuck in the mud. I was flailing like a dead whale (and so it comes up again) hip deep in mud like, quick sand mud. Little did I know that my dad and Scott were doing the same thing. Now here’s the shitty part. People were all around me. I’m rolling in this stinky tidal decroded dead rotten salmon infested mud like so stuck I think I’m going to just die there and people are laughing at me (granted, I’d probably do the same if it wasn’t me stuck in the mud but then I think I’d like throw a rope). 15 minutes passed and I still could not get out. I was trying to not move because I only got stuck more. I devised a plan- if I wasn’t out of that mud in 5 minutes I would tear all my clothes off, and slide out ass naked like a penguin (literally I was to this point of thought). Maybe this has happened to women there and that’s why no one helped me. We all panic and say hey this would be easier naked and then the old crusty fishermen get a free show. Anyways, after using my beautiful rod and reel to hoist me out of the mud trap, I got out. Well, I got out but I was missing a few items. I pulled so hard to get out of that mud that I tore the tread square off the bottom of my boots. Like, gone completely. So I’m pissed because I just got waders with boots and the boots are done, unless I want to slide around all over the place and walk through the water in my socks- not gunna work. So that’s awfully nice. Someone is going to go to that spot someday and be like uhh there must be a dead body here because they are boot treads. So in conclusion, I rolled out of the mud and walk of shamed it past all the fishermen and women back to the car where I just layed by the rotten smelling dumpster waiting for Scott. I have always wanted to do a Tough Mudder, like it was one of my goals. Well, I think I lived one. I seriously felt like I was going to die out there. So Scott comes back in just shorts and stuff and I’m like where the hell are your waders? Turns out he got stuck too. Keta goes running up the bank, Scott falls in the mud and gets stuck just like me. He had to tear off his waders boots etc. to get the hell out of it then mud slide up the bank. Keta just sat there like uhh whaddya doin daddy? Then my dad got stuck too. Now Frank the tank, when he sees fish, he’s gunna catch them. He saw a huge school of salmon at the mouth of the river. No one was there so he was like priimmmeee I’m gunna shred down there and catch some. Problem? Mud. Got totally stuck. When we all got our dead animal bodies out of the mud someone told my dad- haven’t you read the newspapers? People get so stuck they need to call the fire department to pull them out with the ropes. That was about to be us seriously. So we went there the next day, no longer complete sourdoughs (we were called this- it’s the Alaskan word for basically newcomer idiots who have no goddamn idea what the hell they are doing). Scott caught 2 keeper silvers and a couple pinks. My dad caught a small jack silver but that’s it. We still had salmon for dinner (YUMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and have 2 dinners in the freezer so it’s a success I guess. So- how was our first day in Alaska? I’d say a complete friggin disaster but sort of hilarious nonetheless. Aside from looking like an ass and being a swamp animal, I got a good laugh out of it and saw some beautiful fish (and learned to never ever walk through the stupid mud again).